Long long ago, in a primary school far far away, I attempted to sell balloons for cash. The cause was a good one, we wanted to buy stuff for the school, an institution fighting against budget cuts even back then. Our little PTA pulled out the stops at regular intervals through the school year and ran Tea Parties (not political, only involving cake) and Fairs of varying sorts; Harvest/Christmas/Summer. This one was Christmas. I remember because we were inside and did not have to suddenly muster 20 tables in through the assembly hall doors whilst dodging the lightning.
I was not, shall we say, the best at selling. I was too shy, too timid and too aware that many people didn’t have the cash for school uniform never mind an idiotic balloon. My husband suggested that I suck up some of the helium in an amusing sales drive which ended badly when I inhaled too much and sailed, like a human balloon, into the rafters. The fire brigade were called. It was very messy.
My sales skills were honed a little better at the library where I slaved and toiled for many a long hour. Hours are much longer in the library due to all that L-space (see Pratchett:Discworld) Time bends and distorts. While I was standing at the desk, Mrs Hopemore had travelled back to Victorian times in the middle pages of a Wilkie Collins and, in the childrens library, young Conrad was currently orbiting Jupiter with Little Bear.
I had time, and space (pun intended) to overcome some of my shyness here.
The process began during a Creative Writing event I did to celebrate the new library. I had come with a ‘Poet Tree’ idea that involved me, armed with a stack of handwritten cards, persuading people to write poems to stick on the aforementioned tree. I had constructed this aboreal effort with tubes and paper and branches. It was, erm, rustic, shall we say?
There I was, under the gothic tree and it became clear that I had to be a bit more Del Boy and take my wares to the punters. If I didn’t I’d sit alone under the tree all day, like a human mushroom.
Off I went. I learned, very swiftly that some people DO NOT wish to be approached. Others were happy to smile and say hello but were too shy to write a poem in public so in the end I altered it slightly. I asked a family to pick a word each from the many flashcards I’d written up. Instead of getting them to make the whole poem I put the chosen words on the table and shuffled them around like a magician and we picked the words together. Pretty soon other people/families wanted to shuffle them around too and we ended up with a few poems. People don’t like to be tried or tested or feel they’re sitting an exam.
In my role as a relief library assistant my shyness dissolved even more and I was more than happy to approach everyone, although I still had respect for the DO NOT APPROACH faces. The joy of the library was not the assassin of a trolley loaded with books ready to kill me or at least graze my ankle, the delight was the people, helping the people.
So what’s all this waffle and baloney about then?
MY BOOK IS OUT. Saints preserve us. Slow Poison, has been released into the wild. It is the second book in The Witch Ways series and, in the manner of the muffin man or whoever Jack Horner nicked that pie off, I have to hawk my wares. Needs must and I must a pedlar be. Sales, is not what a writer is gifted at, if it was I’d be a billionaire owner of a shopping channel. What writers are good at is words. We are wordsmiths, wordmongers. I can’t choose, I love both those titles. So here goes. You sit there and pretend you are Sir Alan Sugar or Deborah Meaden.
Wordmonger. Get your lovely book here, this is my book, hand made and crafted in lovely binary for the old laptop gadget or black and white print and paper for the old school geezers. Get it on Amazon! Lovely book for a bit of cash. Tale that lasts a lifetime. Lifetime guarantee. Reuse and recycle whenever you’re stuck for a story. Get your words here, mate. Free commas and question marks! Get your luvverly words right here.
No. I can’t. Wrong style. Not me. Deep breath. Have another crack.
Wordsmith; I have forged this book from the iron of my head folks. Sparks have flown. The pages have, hopefully, caught alight and this digital witchery of a story will fill your head. Slow Poison, if you buy it and let it, can work magic. It can take you to a place that is in my head, this place is Havoc Wood and, as Laurie Anderson once said ‘It’s a place, about seventy miles east of here’. Everyone who buys this book and reads it, gets that ticket to travel to Havoc Wood whenever they choose. That time might be on the bus, on the train, although probably not in your car if you are driving. You can read it at night when the monsters bite, this book will take you away from them, it will send you to the safe haven of Cob Cottage in company with the Way Sisters. They’ll be able to help you. That is the magic of pages and story. They are the exit strategy for us all.
Who knows if this link will work, I work with ink, I am not a techie. Fingers crossed. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Slow-Poison-Witch-Ways-Book-ebook/dp/B07FKLPDGJ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1535463525&sr=8-1&keywords=Helen+Slavin+Slow+Poison