Long long ago, in a primary school far far away, I attempted to sell balloons for cash. The cause was a good one, we wanted to buy stuff for the school, an institution fighting against budget cuts even back then. Our little PTA pulled out the stops at regular intervals through the school year and ran Tea Parties (not political, only involving cake) and Fairs of varying sorts; Harvest/Christmas/Summer. This one was Christmas. I remember because we were inside and did not have to suddenly muster 20 tables in through the assembly hall doors whilst dodging the lightning.
I was not, shall we say, the best at selling. I was too shy, too timid and too aware that many people didn’t have the cash for school uniform never mind an idiotic balloon. My husband suggested that I suck up some of the helium in an amusing sales drive which ended badly when I inhaled too much and sailed, like a human balloon, into the rafters. The fire brigade were called. It was very messy.
My sales skills were honed a little better at the library where I slaved and toiled for many a long hour. Hours are much longer in the library due to all that L-space (see Pratchett:Discworld) Time bends and distorts. While I was standing at the desk, Mrs Hopemore had travelled back to Victorian times in the middle pages of a Wilkie Collins and, in the childrens library, young Conrad was currently orbiting Jupiter with Little Bear.
I had time, and space (pun intended) to overcome some of my shyness here.
The process began during a Creative Writing event I did to celebrate the new library. I had come with a ‘Poet Tree’ idea that involved me, armed with a stack of handwritten cards, persuading people to write poems to stick on the aforementioned tree. I had constructed this aboreal effort with tubes and paper and branches. It was, erm, rustic, shall we say?
There I was, under the gothic tree and it became clear that I had to be a bit more Del Boy and take my wares to the punters. If I didn’t I’d sit alone under the tree all day, like a human mushroom.
Off I went. I learned, very swiftly that some people DO NOT wish to be approached. Others were happy to smile and say hello but were too shy to write a poem in public so in the end I altered it slightly. I asked a family to pick a word each from the many flashcards I’d written up. Instead of getting them to make the whole poem I put the chosen words on the table and shuffled them around like a magician and we picked the words together. Pretty soon other people/families wanted to shuffle them around too and we ended up with a few poems. People don’t like to be tried or tested or feel they’re sitting an exam.
In my role as a relief library assistant my shyness dissolved even more and I was more than happy to approach everyone, although I still had respect for the DO NOT APPROACH faces. The joy of the library was not the assassin of a trolley loaded with books ready to kill me or at least graze my ankle, the delight was the people, helping the people.
So what’s all this waffle and baloney about then?
MY BOOK IS OUT. Saints preserve us. Slow Poison, has been released into the wild. It is the second book in The Witch Ways series and, in the manner of the muffin man or whoever Jack Horner nicked that pie off, I have to hawk my wares. Needs must and I must a pedlar be. Sales, is not what a writer is gifted at, if it was I’d be a billionaire owner of a shopping channel. What writers are good at is words. We are wordsmiths, wordmongers. I can’t choose, I love both those titles. So here goes. You sit there and pretend you are Sir Alan Sugar or Deborah Meaden.
Wordmonger. Get your lovely book here, this is my book, hand made and crafted in lovely binary for the old laptop gadget or black and white print and paper for the old school geezers. Get it on Amazon! Lovely book for a bit of cash. Tale that lasts a lifetime. Lifetime guarantee. Reuse and recycle whenever you’re stuck for a story. Get your words here, mate. Free commas and question marks! Get your luvverly words right here.
No. I can’t. Wrong style. Not me. Deep breath. Have another crack.
Wordsmith; I have forged this book from the iron of my head folks. Sparks have flown. The pages have, hopefully, caught alight and this digital witchery of a story will fill your head. Slow Poison, if you buy it and let it, can work magic. It can take you to a place that is in my head, this place is Havoc Wood and, as Laurie Anderson once said ‘It’s a place, about seventy miles east of here’. Everyone who buys this book and reads it, gets that ticket to travel to Havoc Wood whenever they choose. That time might be on the bus, on the train, although probably not in your car if you are driving. You can read it at night when the monsters bite, this book will take you away from them, it will send you to the safe haven of Cob Cottage in company with the Way Sisters. They’ll be able to help you. That is the magic of pages and story. They are the exit strategy for us all.
Who knows if this link will work, I work with ink, I am not a techie. Fingers crossed. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Slow-Poison-Witch-Ways-Book-ebook/dp/B07FKLPDGJ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1535463525&sr=8-1&keywords=Helen+Slavin+Slow+Poison
I like cooking as a general rule but just lately I’ve lost my mojo a bit. I think it is looking back over all the many thousands of meals I’ve cooked and having my nearest and dearest laugh at the memory of the giant memoryfoam pillow sized ravioli I once made or the Dwarf Bread. I manufactured that by fluke, without the benefit of a recipe or even a smallish bag of wholemeal grit. Bread is a hard taskmaster, emphasis on the hard there. It has taken me the best part of 20 years to get it right.
I have always been conscious of budget and quality. I don’t require everything to be dirt cheap because then it is generally made, as my husband might put it, from lips and arseholes. I don’t want my meat ground or mechanically recovered. Some people think this is snobby, they are the kind of people who feed their dog on kibble.
I was always one for eat less meat but eat free range when you do. In recent years we took the idea of Meat Free Monday and ran through the rest of the week with it. Meat is a treat, a special occasion. I am still, however, chided on the future of the planet by my militant Vegan daughter. I am beginning to think that we should have named her Vegan. I find it amusing that my conscious parenting where I brought them up to think about nutrition and food and care about plants and animals, has come back to bite me. Literally. Is THAT CHEESE???!!!!
In my mind my dream time travel job has always to be employed in a kitchen somewhere in a castle or stately home. I think it comes from the Ladybird book Dick Whittington where the kitchen, where Dick met the cat, always looked busy and welcoming, if not very vegetarian friendly with its roasting hog. Also lets not mention the rats. I have previous where they are concerned.
It might also be down to the fact that I was brought up with the idea that food was love. I cannot eat salad cream without thinking of all those crispy Iceberg lettuce and prawn teas at my Grandma McKiernan’s house. There was tinned salmon and celery and spring onions. It might involve tinned crab or ham perhaps as my grandmother had honed her cooking skills in the war. It was a feast, not just on account of the pickled beetroot but because it was with family.
I envision myself as the kind of cook who is called ‘Cook’ and who can concoct a vast array of decorative and delicious cakes and comestibles with one swipe of her ladle. I am wearing rosy cheeks and a pinny in this fantasy and also a mob cap. I’m the kind of cook who is kindly to the snivelling scullery maid and always has the kettle on the boil ready for cups of tea. Although in the castle scenario this alters slightly, the mob cap vanishes and is replaced by a linen caul and dorelet number and there is no tea, only a flagon of something I have brewed earlier.
Did you know that once all the brewers were women? It was considered one of the feminine arts and they were known as Brewsters. Fact. It’ll pop up on The Chase no doubt.
In the Past, I’m the kind of cook who knows all the local gossip but in an informative and secret keeping fashion. I am the kind of cook that Cinderella could ask for a stray pumpkin, or if she can check that the trap has any mice in it to be transformed into footmen.
Oh. So maybe I don’t want to be a cook at all. Maybe, what I really want to be is a Fairy Godmother.
We were at St Fagans the other day, in the blistering heat and popping into the wonderful bakery. I love St Fagans with its collection of historic buildings saved from all corners of, well, Wales actually. It is the Museum of Welsh Life and its worth a visit any time of year.
It’s one of those places where you can time travel. The fires are lit in Winter and there is always the idea that you’ve just stepped into someone’s house while they were out. If you like rollercoasters and white knuckle thrill rides then it probably isn’t going to float your boat but if, like me, you like history, then Boom.
Funny thing, history. There are certain periods of time that appeal to me greatly. Don’t misunderstand me, I studied history, I’m aware of the horrible social conditions and the lack of welfare state of the past. I have no illusions that things were ‘better in the past’, far from it. They were interesting and they had better clothes. Hats, in the main, there are not enough hats these days.
Where were we? Napoleonic. Regency. I feel at home in a Georgian house and by that I mean one that is open to the public, not one that someone has torn the heart out of in order to instal a modern kitchen. I’m not into modern kitchens. I like a scullery and a turnspit. Kitchens are my favourite part of any visit to any stately home. If you want to get in touch with history then the kitchen is the place to do it. Imagine it bustling with people, poorly paid servants, think of them dragging buckets of hot water up to slipper baths and you start to get a real feel for history.
Victorian. Good grief, how any student of history shakes their head at the idea of ‘Victorian Values’. Yes, they were innovative and inventive and they put style and panache into their public buildings but they did this by paying my great grandfathers tuppence ha’penny to cut timber and glaze windows. That said, I love the feel of Victorian buildings, from the grand public spaces like the V&A and the Pitt Rivers to the more personal spaces of well, say for instance, my living room.
I live in a Victorian house. Only just. It was built at the tail end of the era and it was very welcoming on the day that I first viewed it and said to my husband ‘I think I’ve found the house’. We were, at that point, living in a Victorian terraced house, another lovely, warm welcoming place. My kitchen there was tiny, a galley kitchen par excellence. I loved that little kitchen and the yard beyond.
I grew up in a Sixties box house. My dad bought it when it was a patch of dirt and Mr Potter said ‘This is what it will be like.’ There were many happy years in that house. Light, bright, picture windows and, best of all, a hatch through from the kitchen!
Tudor/Medieval. I can go with that. It’s a lovely walk from Stratford on Avon town centre out to Anne Hathaway’s cottage and you feel as if you’re coming home.
Castles. I think we all know my thoughts on castles.
Iron Age/Roman/Bloody Long Time Ago: Skara Brae, say no more, the Neolithic spread for Country Life, complete with ‘stone dresser’, yes folks, dresser.
1930’s/1940s. Nope. Can’t go there. I’m being serious. There is something about that era that makes me shiver. In museums please do not expect me to walk through the 1930s exhibit of the drapers shop or air raid shelter.
At St Fagans they have a small terrace of mining cottages. They are dressed in different times, from the earliest 1805 to the last one 1985. The one I dislike the most is the 1930s cottage. There is something about the furniture, the mantelpiece and fireplace, the squareness of an armchair, the antimacassar. What is going on? I feel cold and uneasy. This is not the first time this has happened to me.
What I feel is unease and fear. My writer head suspects that in a past life the 1930s was not the best place for me and that if was to be regressed back it would not be a great recollection. There is a recurring dream folks and a house in that dream that holds something undisclosed and terrible. Guess which era the house is from?
The 30s and 40s were turbulent times, you might say, possibly it is the idea of war and destruction, but then so was the Civil War and I’m quite happy wandering the tents and battles of any re-enactment from Richmond Castle to Chalfield Manor House.
Who knows what is behind my irrationality, all I know is that next time H G Wells decides to pop in and suggest a Day Out, I’d better watch where the dial is being twiddled to on the Time Machine.
The pic, btw, is Wentworth Woodhouse, near Sheffield, well worth a visit too.
If you are at a loose end and fancy a free book, how about signing away your sanity and receiving The Ice King? http://www.helenslavin.com/signup/ Just a thought…